On Tuesday morning I met with our DCBS worker for our quarterly home visit. ‘K’, our 2 year old little girl, sat on my lap as I answered questions and talked about our experience with our first placement (who is no longer with us in our home). I shared pictures still hung on our walls and explained that she really was the PERFECT first placement.
We love her, our kids love her, and we forever will. We continue to talk about her, to pray for her, and to trust God with her future. I am blessed to have contact with her current caregiver who texts me nearly every day. I have even gotten to hold her since she went on to live with them. From what I have read/heard, that is relatively rare in foster care goodbyes. I got to SEE that she is doing well & got to soak in her sweetness one more time (I pray not the last). I’ve offered to babysit or provide respite for them & hope some day I can help them in this way.
Goodbyes are HARD. A quote I recently read pertaining to grief makes a great point: “Grief is not a weakness, or lack of faith; grief is the price we pay for love” (Darcie Sims). Though our “grief” cannot compare to those who’ve lost a loved one to illness or tragedy, I still relate to the sentiment that “grief is the price we pay for love”. We could have kept her at a distance. We could have decided to just pretend we were babysitting for 5 weeks. We could have forced ourselves to remain “detached”. But we chose to love. We chose to treat her as our own. We chose to bond and attach and live each day with her, falling more and more in love with every sweet memory. And in choosing to love, we chose to set ourselves up for a period of grief after goodbye.
Here’s the thing though… those 5 weeks were AMAZING. And I’m not sure they would have been as wonderful had we not chosen to love so deeply. There is a lot of sacrifice involved in caring for someone else’s child (heck there is sacrifice in caring for our own!)– sacrifices in time, routine, comfort, sleep, privacy, etc. But when you LOVE someone, you’re happy to sacrifice for them. It always felt like a blessing, never a burden. And we hope & pray she felt the love and learned attachment from her time with us.
So Tuesday, when our worker asked if we were sure we were ready to do this all over again, I responded confidently “YES”. Yes I am ready to love again, to sacrifice again, and to experience the amazing adventure that happens when you take the path God has for you in life. He did not promise it would always be easy, but He does promise that it will be worth it.
So we are back on the call log. Ready to get a call whenever He wills it. Ready to fall in love again.
A song played last Sunday at our church has been my “go to” lately. It is called “Here Again”, by Elevation Worship. I’ll share the lyrics that spoke to me and then link the entire song at the end for anyone who wants to hear it.
“Here Again” by Elevation Worship
Can’t go back to the beginning
Can’t control what tomorrow will bring
But I know here in the middle
Is the place where you promise to be
I’m not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again?
Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
As I walk now through the valley
Let your love rise above every fear
Like the sun shaping the shadow
In my weakness your glory appears
Can I do it all again? I wonder this. Especially nights when the pain of our last goodbye still stings. But then I am reminded that I won’t be alone. He promises to meet me again. To meet me amidst the brokenness of this next chapter in our foster care journey. He has not abandoned me yet, why would I expect Him to now?
I am NOT enough.
Unless He comes.
And so I pray inviting Him, “Will You meet me here again?”